On being in pain...

So I have a thought....with all the emotions i've been going thru and dealing with lately, its been hard to separate everything and figure out which emotion is actually leading my feelings. Things have been remarkable difficult lately. This time of year is like the "anniversary." So i'm going to try to break down my feelings by each emotion to try and sort through everything. While doing this publicly may be something i decide against down the road, for now, this is an outlet that works for me.

Right now, this is my bedside table...it consists of all my medications for pain, muscle tension, muscle spasms, sleep, anxiety, topical creams, etc. My bedroom is my sanctum. I have everything i need in my bedroom at my fingertips. My floor next to my bed has my heating pad, my books, bible, journal, and magazines, and computer. I have my tv, my dvd player, FRIENDS, Gilmore Girls, and netflix to keep my occupied or distracted (whichever I need at the moment).

Pain is such a complicated process...especially chronic pain. At a moments notice it came become so severe that moving is out of the question and i automatically access the quality and characteristics of my pain to determine if its bone pain, nerve pain, muscle pain, or all the above. I have to figure out what medication will best work for the type of pain I am in. This process happens at least once every day...If i'm lucky it will skip a day or 2 if i'm really really blessed.

I dread the night time because it can be the hardest. Its when the world gets quiet and the distractions of the world fall away and i start to think....i mean really think about my life and my pain. I'm hardly if ever comfortable. Sleep is a rarity...at least the good, deep, restorative sleep that makes you wake up feeling rested, happy, and ready to face the day.

I hate relying on all the medication to function or get thru each day. I worry about everything that I take...of course i never take more than allowed and never take it all at once but it scares me. Being in pain scares me. Not knowing when or if the pain is every going to go away absolutely terrifies me. I'm trying everything within western and eastern medicine to fight the pain. Right now i'm focusing on massage therapy. I really like my therapist and after my massages i usually feel better for a couple days but i wish it would last longer. I've been going every 2 weeks for the past couple months so i'm hoping that maybe one day it will last longer. I think i'm also going to start going to go back to acupuncture, which i've done before but then reached a plateau where the cost wasn't outweighing the benefit so i stopped going last fall. I've also been to this other place of western healing that works with a specific type of heat called far- inferred heat the deeply penetrates the body and promotes healing.

The weather we've been having in Knoxville lately has really messed me up. A few weeks ago, spring was in full swing and it was gorgeous. I was starting to feel better but now its been cold, damp, and all around yucky and gross again which makes me feel terrible and have more pain in my neck and joints..knees especially.

Well to offset this cold and hopefully help my pain, I'm going to go soak in a hot bath for a while and read a book. Thanks for reading. Lots of love to all those out there who continue to support me.