Thursday, February 24, 2011

So much to say but no one to talk to.

So its been a really long time since i've even looked at this blog. I guess I started to avoid it because i always felt like I was saying the same thing, over and over. I would update, trying to sound like i still have some faith in my situation but most of the time, especially lately, I don't. Ever since Christmas, the pain has felt like being on a non stop rollercoaster that never stops. While there are brief moments in this ride that slow down and allow me to take a few breaths, I feel like right as I catch my breath, I start heading downhill so fast its hard to see or think straight.

This time of year is hard because I kinda feel like it the anniversary of one of the most pivotal, hardest times of my life. So often I feel like the world keeps turning, everyone else keeps living, and I am stuck in the same place as I was 2 yrs ago. Countless procedures, injections, medications, doctors appointments and even surgery have left me exhausted but no different. I am Weary, run down, with less hope, and with my positive outlook on things getting more dim daily. I think the past couple months have taken so much of a toll on me because I see the toll its taking on the world and the people around me. Harrison is exhausted and has no idea what to do when the pain comes so strongly that it brings me to my knees. I can see the pain and suffering that he deals with. I've also watched the toll on my parents as they do everything they know humanly possible to help me. People tell me on a regular basis that they don't know how I do it. They don't understand how I live with the pain and with the frustration on not knowing why its there or how to fix it. I try to remind myself how blessed I am because I have so much support and I am grateful and fortunate to still be getting some income while I'm unable to work. But its just not the same. There is no comparison for the joy and happiness I felt when i held a 2 lb baby or when i got to place a baby in their mother's arms for the first time or witness the first bath, the first bottle, the first time in a crib, etc. All those moments resonate with me and some days the only thing that keeps me going is thinking about how happy i was then.

Working in the Nicu filled a void i didn't even know was there until i had to stop working and all of a sudden i felt such tremendous loss. Its hard watching a lot of couples I know who got married around the same time Harrison and I did start to get pregnant, decorate nurseries, pick names....because honestly I feel like it should be me. This has been one of the more difficult, deeper battles I've been fighting lately. A former Facebook addict, I can hardly even get on anymore because its become too difficult. Every time i get on, I see someone else who has posted that first picture of the positive home pregnancy test, or I see the cute pictures of the mother to be proudly showing off a growing belly. It makes me ache. I feel like that dream is getting farther and farther out of reach and even if its not out of reach, I think of everything that would have to change for that to become possible. I've been trying for 2 yrs to solve this pain dilemma and I feel stuck in 2009. What is it going to take, and more importantly how long is it going to take until I am healthy enough, strong enough, and have enough pain control that I could have a baby or even take care of a baby. I have so many questions, doubts, fears, and painful insecurities that I doubt I will ever fully know the answer to...

1 comment:

  1. We are here, listening, praying for you and loving you. You are right you are surrounded by so much support. I don't know what to say except I love you and you come to my mind lot of time.
    Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - Jam 1:2-4 NIV