Blessings, Worries, and Fear

Well, we are almost there. We are about 48 hours from finding out whether or not we are pregnant or not.  The first week of waiting was actually pretty good.  I stayed busy enough that time seemed to go by much faster than I feel like it did in our other 10 fertility attempts where we had a 2 week wait.  I felt very confident, calm, and at peace with everything.  When we got the news the day after our transfer that they were able to freeze 4 more eggs on day 6, bringing us to a total of 10, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude to God.  During that first week I found myself moved to tears several times thinking and reflecting on how blessed we truly are.  I never would have thought I would feel blessed after dealing with infertility for over 2 years, but I do.

• First, we are blessed that we live in a time where medical science has advanced so much and the technology of infertility treatments have become so specialized and advanced.   
• Second, we are UNBELIEVABLY fortunate that with our insurance we do have some good infertility coverage.  We were absolutely blown away in October when we learned that our insurance was going to cover a significant amount of the cost of IVF. This is almost unheard of but because I worked at Vanderbilt and have had such great insurance, Vanderbilt had recently decided to offer some IVF coverage.  
• Third, we have so much amazing support from our family and friends during this process.  There are truly too many people to name that have loved us and prayed over us during this process but especially our families have been incredible. 
•  Fourth, we are so blessed that I responded as well as I did to the stimulation medication and that they were able to retrieve so many eggs.  
• Fifth, we are blessed that so many fertilized and developed normally and that we have so many beautiful healthy embryos frozen in the case that this round didn't work.  Over the course of that first week, I found several blogs written by girls who struggle with infertility.  While I've followed a few girls the past several months, I started reading 2 or 3 blogs of girls that I had never seen or read before. Reading these blogs really hit home with me how blessed ( I refuse to say that we are "lucky"...I don't believe luck has anything to do with it) we are that we were so unbelievably successful during the stimulation, retrieval, and the development of our embryos.  These girls are having to make decisions about using surrogates, donor eggs, or giving up on their dream of a biological child all together.  While I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone and especially IVF, I am so grateful for so many things that we have experienced because of our infertility.

These last few days have been more difficult. Time seems to be going by at a snails pace.  Minutes pass by like hours.  At first I felt that while of course we would be disappointed if we do get a negative this round, that we are so blessed with so many frozen embryos that we have so many chances for success and that it will happen at the perfect time and with the perfect embryo and I took so much comfort in the fact that this is all in God's hands.  I still feel confident that this is all in God's hands, but I am more worried about how I am going to handle it emotionally if we do get a negative.  These last couple days, the sense of peace and calm has been replace with a lot of worry and anxiety.   I've laid awake at night thinking about hearing the words, "I'm sorry, but you're prefect embryo and transfer didn't work and you are not pregnant."  I hadn't thought a whole lot about where I wanted to be or anything when I get that phone call, but the other day my mom told me that she didn't want me to be alone on Friday afternoon.   At first I thought that she was worrying too much and being overprotective, but the more I thought about it and the more that the worry and fear have been building up, I realized she's right. For me, it probably is best that I'm not alone in the event that it is a negative.  Some of you might be thinking, ''what about Harrison?'' Well, he is days away from finishing and finalizing all the minute details of the home build he has been managing since August.  They are handing over the keys to the owners on Friday afternoon, so he has to be there.  While there are many negatives and downfalls of infertility, one of the ones that bothers me the most is that you wait on pins and needles for a phone call to find out if its a positive or negative. Because your spouse, family, and those closest to you know what you are going through, there really is no way to surprise people or to have that moment when you tell someone in a fun or playful way and completely shock them.  We won't get to have one of those fun YouTube videos of the reactions of our families.  Of course it will still be so exciting, but our families and close friends are just anxious as we are to find out the results and will be waiting for a phone call from us just as we wait for a phone call from the doctor.

With all the worry and fear that I have felt the past few days, I am trying to prepare myself and my heart for either result. While our IVF cycle really couldn't have gone any better, even in the most perfect of circumstances and with the most perfect embryo, sometime it just doesn't work and I know that.  Its hard to prepare yourself for such a huge event, not knowing whether it will be one of the happiest and best days of our lives, or the alternative....that it could be one of the hardest, most difficult, and disappointing days of our lives.  After our final attempt using injectable medications and IUI failed in July and my surgery revealed very little in September, we knew that we would be facing IVF if we wanted to have a child. I took it incredibly hard.  I was angry, at myself and at God, frustrated, sad, devastated, depressed, guilt ridden, and just felt lost in the darkness.  I fear feeling this way all over again. I worry about my heart becoming hardened to those who want to help me and love me, but my coping mechanism is to shut down and shut everyone else out.  I can only hope and pray that if we do receive negative results, that my heart will remain open to those around me and that I won't push people away.  I hope I can find comfort knowing that God is bigger than all of this and that he already knows the outcome.  He already knows which embryo(s) will become our child(children).  He already knows when they will be born.  He already knows their name and the number of hairs on their head.

Like I said in my last post, either way it will take some time for me to announce the results on the blog.  I can't thank you all enough for reading and following our journey and for all the prayers, love, and support.  All of your encouragement, comments, Facebook messages, emails, and text messages mean so so much to me.  Thank you for walking with us on this difficult journey.