Well things at my pain doctor went pretty much as expected last week. I am going to stick to a dose of 12 for another few weeks, then try to come off entirely. Then, as I predicted, my nurse practitioner recommended to give my body a break for at least a month to let my body just adjust and not make any changes. Since I've been weaning pretty quickly since September, even though I am ready and willing to keep making progress, I know from my nursing experience with my babies that trying to do too may things to fast can easily backfire. So i know its probably smartest to just let my body take a breather for awhile and get used to not being on a constant 24/7 source of pain relief. As per my nature, I continue to worry about what comes next. I worry about how my body will respond to making the jump from my current breakthrough medication to something not as strong. As I have been weaning off the fentanyl, I have noticed that the morphine and my other medications seem to effect my body more because the pain receptors in my brain are less saturated with medication. So hopefully since my neurotransmitters are more receptive, something less potent will still give me effective pain control when I really need it. I am trying so hard to not take the medicine as much but sometimes, I just can't take the pain.
I'm researching a lot and considering other forms of pain control like biofeedback, relaxation and meditation, and for the first time, looking into a chiropractor. Even though a chiropractor may not be able to help with my neck since my fusions, I'm hoping to get relief for my back and help with my alignment, positioning, and posture. I still have several hurdles I have to jump before I will be at the point that I want to be, but I am trying to keep myself focused on today and on taking small steps forward...even though I know that sometimes, there will be steps backwards, like today when I'm dealing with a lot of pain, am very uncomfortable, and frustrated that it is so beautiful outside, and I'm in bed.
Its very hard for me to give myself credit for what accomplished, even though I'm getting so much encouragement from my doctors, Harrison, family, and friends. I guess on days like today, I tend to blame myself because I think that maybe I put myself in this position by something I did the day before or by being too active. Even though it may seem like very small tasks for most people, yesterday I got my massage, went to the store, payed bills, folded laundry, cleaned up the house, and cooked dinner. Again, these seem like such simple tasks for the average person, but for me, its a lot. Somedays, I just like to feel "normal" even though by the end of the night, I can already start feeling what is most likely inevitable.
The next four days are going to be really busy, but hopefully really fun and I can only pray that I feel okay. Tonight, one of my dearest friends who recently got back from his second deployment with the Air Force is coming into town and we are going to spend the day together tomorrow. He has been one of my closest friends since high school and even during his deployments, has been one of the most supportive, dependable people I have. Even when he is Lord knows where in the world, he always makes it a point to call or email me every week or two. I always get excited when I see his "restricted" number pop up on my cell phone. I'm so thankful he is home safe and so proud for all he is doing to protect our country and our freedom.
Tomorrow night my whole family is headed to the beautiful mountains of Boone, NC for our annual trip with our dear family friends the Convingtons. This is always a trip I look forward to but the past couple years, my pain has kept me limited and I haven't been able to go on the hikes we always take so I'm hoping that maybe this year I can. We always have so much fun hiking, shopping, eating, playing cards, watching football, laughing, and just being together. This year the Covington clan has a baby on the way and a new engagement so there is sure to be a lot to celebrate this year. Pray that I will feel decent because the next 4 days are something I've been looking forward to for months. It will be good to get out and spend the day tomorrow with one of my best friends and get away this weekend and be with family and friends.
I've got a lot of other things on my mind right now that I don't really want to get into in this post but maybe soon I'll get the courage to open up about a few of these things because its been weighing on me quite a bit. For now, I just ask that you pray for me while I sort through some of these things.
