So anyway, 2 weeks ago we went to Nashville to have an appointment with the nurse practitioner at the Comprehensive Spine Center. After a very thorough and positive appointment, she recommended a CT myelogram. Basically I had to get a spinal tap to inject dye into my spinal column and then had a CT scan. The purpose of the dye is to get a better picture because it creates contrast between nerves, bone, my titanium hardware, my spinal column, and my bone grafts. Its been a week and I haven't heard any results yet. I emailed the nurse practitioner yesterday and am going to call on Monday. No news probably means that it came out normal...which is good news bad news. I desperately want answers. All the pain and the needles and procedures, i just want something to show up on one of these tests. Its so frustrating having test after test, 2 surgeries, and everything coming out "normal." It baffles me that all the pain i have is unexplained, no reason, no cause. It makes me want to cry out and scream " THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG AND I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE." The doctors believe me that i have pain but they just don't know what to do besides trying all kinds of medications.
I'm so tired. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm sad. I have missed countless special events, weddings, family function, and quality time with my husband, my family and my friends. I feel enormous guilt, especially with Harrison. I feel that he deserves more than I am able to offer. I feel guilt with all my friendships because I can't be the best friend that i feel i should be because my pain limits what I can do and when.
I've been through this search twice already since this all started. The first search for answers ended up in a surgery that was necessary but didn't fix the pain. The second search ended in medical management which is what I've been doing but its just not enough anymore. I want my life back. I want to go back to work. I miss the NICU, the babies, and the families, and the feeling that I am doing something positive and doing God's work. I want to feel self worth again. I want to be able to spend fun, quality time with my husband, family, and friends.
Please dear friends, please pray for me. I'm having a hard time right now and I need some love and encouragement. Please pray that these new doctors and tests will be able to answer some very difficult questions.