Saturday, June 18, 2011

The search for answers...

Some of your may already know that a couple of weeks ago, after having another horrific acute pain attack and another visit to the ER, my family and I decided that it was time to start looking for answers again. Recently, I have just been managing the pain with medication, bed rest, and massage therapy but the search for answers had been put on the back burner since we ran into dead ends with the rheumatologist and neurologist. I'm still under their care and on medication but neither doctor could explain the pain and all the other symptoms i have ( fevers, joint pain, etc.)

So anyway, 2 weeks ago we went to Nashville to have an appointment with the nurse practitioner at the Comprehensive Spine Center. After a very thorough and positive appointment, she recommended a CT myelogram. Basically I had to get a spinal tap to inject dye into my spinal column and then had a CT scan. The purpose of the dye is to get a better picture because it creates contrast between nerves, bone, my titanium hardware, my spinal column, and my bone grafts. Its been a week and I haven't heard any results yet. I emailed the nurse practitioner yesterday and am going to call on Monday. No news probably means that it came out normal...which is good news bad news. I desperately want answers. All the pain and the needles and procedures, i just want something to show up on one of these tests. Its so frustrating having test after test, 2 surgeries, and everything coming out "normal." It baffles me that all the pain i have is unexplained, no reason, no cause. It makes me want to cry out and scream " THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG AND I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE." The doctors believe me that i have pain but they just don't know what to do besides trying all kinds of medications.

I'm so tired. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm sad. I have missed countless special events, weddings, family function, and quality time with my husband, my family and my friends. I feel enormous guilt, especially with Harrison. I feel that he deserves more than I am able to offer. I feel guilt with all my friendships because I can't be the best friend that i feel i should be because my pain limits what I can do and when.

I've been through this search twice already since this all started. The first search for answers ended up in a surgery that was necessary but didn't fix the pain. The second search ended in medical management which is what I've been doing but its just not enough anymore. I want my life back. I want to go back to work. I miss the NICU, the babies, and the families, and the feeling that I am doing something positive and doing God's work. I want to feel self worth again. I want to be able to spend fun, quality time with my husband, family, and friends.

Please dear friends, please pray for me. I'm having a hard time right now and I need some love and encouragement. Please pray that these new doctors and tests will be able to answer some very difficult questions.

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