The long waiting game and the unknown future...

I've been trying to write this blog entry for over a week. Its been hard, mostly because i wish i had better news to report, and secondly because i get really emotional every time i start writing. I've edited and reedited so I apologize if some of it didn't get properly edited for all you grammar correctors out there.

As many of you know, I had a pretty big test a few weeks ago at Vanderbilt that would show pretty much everything in my neck. Well three weeks later, an email, countless phone calls, and conversations with 3 nurses (each of which said they would look into the progress and call me back and didn't) I was obviously frustrated with an medical center I still consider to be my home and am technically still employed by. To make a long story short, I found the written report online through a service to patients called "my health at vanderbilt" late Thursday night (its a online service available to patient. I had checked it before but according to a friend, it can sometimes take a long time for reports to get scanned into this service). Granted, I'm not a radiologist or a doctor but I have enough medical knowledge to read a written report and I saw the multiple the problems that were found. I wept and wept. I called my parents and I still wept. Not with sadness, but with validation and joy that they had FINALLY found something wrong. I guess those 12 hrs before my nurse practitioner called me the next morning, i let my mind get ahead of myself thinking that there would be an easy answer, even if it meant going thru another surgery and things would be better and I would heal and I even dreamt that night of returning to work with those precious babies and finishing my degree, pursuing my dreams, and finally trying to start a family of our own.

The following morning my nurse practitioner called after consulting with one of the neurosurgeons at the clinic. The neurosurgeon went over my results thoroughly had to come up with a decision whether surgery would be helpful or hurtful at this point in my pain journey. The neurosurgeon consulted on my films and didn't think that he could give me a good success rate of fixing my pain by doing another operation, especially at my age and previous history. I had to ask the hard question of "are these problems going to get worse?" That is a fairly good possibility considering these issue have arisen since my last CT a few months after my 2nd surgery (which will be 2 yrs July 15). Of course, that was a big blow and very difficult to hear. Good news is that "i appear" fused, my hardware and screws are in good position. The doctor sees no reason to remove my hardware.

Long story short, the next step is a follow up with the nurse practitioner to go over my films step by step and then consult with Tracy Jackson, the head doctor at the Vanderbilt Interventional Pain Center. This is the same physician who worked tediously and went out of her way to help me in the 2 months before Harrison and I's wedding and who was basically responsible for me being able to walk down the aisle, enjoy my own wedding and go on my honeymoon.

Friends, I've reached a very low point in my emotional journey with all this. I feel very desperate, lonely, sad, and hopeless. I have so many hopes and dreams that I want to accomplish. This life has been very hard for be because I am such a goal oriented person and it pains me emotionally to lay in bed most of of my time, being by myself, 5 days a week (unless I'm with my parents) while Harrison is at work, in pain. The sleep I get whether its during the day or at night is not restful or restorative and I wake up frequently, uncomfortable, in pain, restless, and frustrated. I desperately need prayers, support, and encouragement right now to keep my head up and keep in the fight because there are many days that I don't feel I have the fight left in me anymore. I have been humbled lately by people who have reached out to me. Some who i haven't spoken to in months or years. I've gotten support in places I didn't think I would find it and I know God is going to take care of me and provide the support i need from the people I need. As always, my husband is my rock, my foundation, and the best husband and care taker. I know that God put him in my life for the sole purpose of being perfect for me and when we said our vows and said "in sickness and health..." we didn't know how much that statement would affect us but indeed it has and if this is the life God has planned for us, well, there certainly must be a reason for it. I also have my incredible family to support and love me so I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways. These things, my friends, and your support, are literally what gets me through the hard days. As always, thanks for reading.