Preface: A post about how I'm feeling at this moment....mostly venting emotions. Feel free not to read, but read if you like.
I know alot of people dont follow our blog, which is fine, and I mostly just use it as an outlet to write how I'm feeling. On the one hand, I feel incredibly selfish in a way...I know there are other people out there, even people I know, that are going through much more difficult situations than I am. I know I am unbelievably blessed. I have an amazing family, husband, job (that I am dying to get back to), a beautiful home and I want for nothing except to feel better. I've gone through such a rollercoaster of emotions since all this started over 2 months ago. I have gone from feeling like it was just a temporary set back of a couple days, to adjusting to the fact that it may last longer, to feeling very discourgaged, to feeling hopeful of the end in site, to being overjoyed at the wedding, to yurning to get back to work, and now I'm back to feeling very much discouraged. I had an appointment with the pain clinic again, who has been unbelieveable. The doctor there overbooked her schedule on multiple occasions to fit me in to have procedures in order to make me feel as good as possible before the wedding. The past three or four days have been very bad as far as my pain level. I have been in bed pretty much non stop and havent gotten out of the house since saturday except for my doctors appointment this morning. While my doctors appointment today was much better than my appointment a few weeks ago with my neurosurgeon it was still somewhat of a let down. I guess I am wanting so much for a "quick fix." I would love it if a procedure or even surgery would fix the problem. Today, Dr. Jackson said there were other procedures she could do but to keep sticking my like a pin cushion is not her first choice. So once again, I have been passed off an referred to someone else. This time I am being referred to the Center for Ingergrative Health at Vanderbilt. This clinic is a center that treats pain in less conventional ways, accupunture, myofascial release (basically massage that insurance covers), behavioral therapies, relaxation techniques, etc. While I'm not against these forms of treatment, I guess i am just tired of being passed off to someone else. I just want someone to figure out where the pain is coming from, why I've had it for 4 years, and how to fix it. I just want a simple answer and nothing about this whole process has been easy or simple. I'm tired of doctors appointments, I'm tired of being at home in bed, I'm tired of not working, I'm tired of being on the phone with my insurance company, the disability company, and my work trying to explain why i've been gone for almost 10 weeks. I am worried about my job at this point, and I'm worried about my life and my future. I know it seems silly but I worry how I'm going to be able to carry my child around the house once it weighs more than 10 pounds. (no i'm not pregnant, just things I think about). I worry how long I'm going to be able to be in the field I love if it takes this much of a toll on my body. Like the title of the blog says, I just need to vent. I'm feeling very helpless, hopeless, and discouraged. Physically I feel beaten and broken, but emotionally, the whole situation has taken almost as drastic of a toll. I can only pray for relief and for God to heal me, mind, body, and soul. Thanks for reading.