Three and Four Month Updates!

The month of December was really tough. This past month has been a bit easier and we are seeing some improvements with Carter but it has taken a lot of work.  We have been to more than a dozen doctor appointments and had 3 outpatient procedures (most recently an Upper GI and a Swallow Study) done at Children's Hospital since mid- December.  Its been pretty overwhelming and exhausting for all of us.  While Carter isn't completely back to her old self, we have made progress.  For those that follow me on Facebook, you have probably seen a couple of posts of desperation asking for prayers.  Over the 2 weeks of Christmas and New Years, Carter only gained 2 ounces.  Typically, babies gain around 1/2 an ounce to 1 ounce per day so 2 ounces in 2 weeks was not good.  The GI specialist wasn't too terribly concerned and just thought that she had a bad milk allergy that had done some damage to her intestines (which was confirmed by a stool sample) and she just needed a little more time.  A week later she gained 2 ounces in one week.  While I thought this was an improvement, the Physicians Assistant we see was starting to get concerned and gave us 3 options:

1. Admit her to the hospital and do some more extensive testing like and Upper and Lower GI scope where they would sedate her and look via a camera at her digestive system to look for things like inflammation, and do a pH probe study to monitor the severity of her reflux,
2. Switch her to a completely hypoallergenic formula and add that to my breast milk to make it higher calories (we had already been doing this with another formula that is for milk intolerance but she really struggles with bottles so on top of nursing we were only supplementing 5-8 oz a day) and give her another few days or,
3. Put in an NJ tube (feeding tube that goes into her nose, past her stomach, right into her intestines) and feed her that way which meant we wouldn't have been able to nurse or even do bottles when she had this in.

I panicked.  I was at the appointment alone thinking that this would just be a weight check and follow up.  I broke down and called Harrison and my mom to discuss our options while the PA went to talk to the nutritionist about Carter.  Fortunately, the nutritionist didn't think our situation was as dire as the PA did and made the point that she was still gaining, albeit slowly, she was staying well hydrated, she is still on the growth chart, and not considered failure to thrive.  She suggested option 2 before we  do the more drastic things.  So we left the doctor's office knowing we had 72 hours to make a pretty dramatic difference or else we would have to make some difficult decisions.

We tried the new formula and were basically force feeding her bottles.  After talking to several friends and a lactation consultant, I borrowed a scale from a friend and we started weighing her before and after nursing to see how much she was getting.  We found out that while in the morning she was getting 4-5 ounces when nursing, in the late afternoon and evenings, she was
only getting 2-2.5 ounces which is pretty common for you milk supply to drop in the evenings but I didn't know it was dropping that much so I decided to start nursing much more frequently (every 2 or 2 1/2 hours vs very 3-4).  The second day was exhausting. We were trying a bottle for about 20-30 minutes before nursing.  She fights and cries with the bottles and takes in a lot of air because she cries so much.  Then she would nurse for 30-45 minutes.  Then we only had about a half hour or so before starting the process over again. After she projectile vomited up a bottle Tuesday night because she had so much air in her, I decided bottles just weren't worth it.  So on the third day, I nursed her pretty much every 2 hours like clockwork all day and didn't do any bottles.  She was a completely different baby. She was smiling and laughing, cooing and making sweet noises and was just so much happier not being forced to take the bottles which filled her with air.  I had no idea how much progress we made in those 72 hours so I was a nervous wreck going to the appointment Thursday morning but I had decided that even if she didn't have a great weight gain, that I wanted to give her a few more days of nursing more frequently in the evenings before doing anything drastic.  Well, she gained 6 ounces
in 3 days!  I was ecstatic!  I cried when I saw the number on the scale.  The GI specialist agreed that as long as she continued to gain, we could hold off on the invasive testing.  Again, she still isn't nursing perfectly and fusses and unlatches during some feedings but its so much better than it was and she isn't refusing to eat so while it can still be frustrating for me, its manageable.  I also started a medication and supplements to help increase my milk supply a little which should also help her get more per feeding and I've been really making sure I am eating and drinking enough which I admit, because of stress, I probably wasn't getting enough calories or drinking enough water.

A week later, we had another follow up and she had lost 2 ounces but they weren't concerned because we figured that the 6 ounce gain wasn't all true gain.  Because she is happy, growing in length, and meeting developmental milestones (minus tummy time which she HATES with a fiery passion), they are comfortable with being more patient with her and not forcing some of the invasion procedures and alternatives on us.  I am weighing her a few times a week at home and according to our scale, she is gaining about a half an ounce a day.

Here are some pictures from the last couple months!

Mom, when will you stop taking pictures and put me down for a nap? 

Merry Christmas!

Pretty impressive pout face! 

I've discovered my hands! 

Seriously mom, have you seen these things? They are so fun! 

Rockin' my animal print!

Love that sweet face!

I mean come on! How cute is she?!

You say I'm how old?!

We won't tell Daddy that Mommy put a big pink bow on my head, but don't I look beautiful?

Stats: 3 months- 10 lbs 1 oz
          4 months- 11 lbs 3 oz (5th percentile) Length- 24 inches (40th percentile)
                           Head circumference- 41 cm  (50th percentile).

Likes:  Still loves motion and all types of white noise!  I have an app on my phone that has a ton of different sounds.  Its very handy when we are out to just turn it on and put it in her car seat.  Its amazing how she responds to it.  Her favorite sounds seem to be "extreme rain," "running shower," "beach waves crashing," and "flowing stream."  Can you tell my child likes water?  She also like hairdryer, vacuum cleaner, and clothes dryer.

She loves playing on her play mat and batting at her toys. She also loves looking at herself in the mirror on her play mat or in the car.  She loves rattles and loves a specific rattle that has a little face on  it that lights up.  We affectionately call him Pedro, a name that was given to him when he belonged to my niece.

She is a huge fan of bath time and cries when I get her out.  I feel ya girl.  Mama loves a nice, long bath too!

Dislikes: She thinks tummy time is some rare, horrible form of torture.  I think part of the reason she doesn't like it is because it pushes on her tummy which makes her reflux worse but I also think she hates it because for those 3 or 4 weeks when things were really, really bad, I wasn't good or consistent about doing it every day so she's just not use to it anymore.  We are back to doing it a few times a day, even if for only a minute or so.  She seems to be doing a little better.  We still struggle with bottles.  I haven't been trying them really the last few weeks because I have been focused on nursing her frequently to help her gain weight, but now that I know she is, we need to step up our game.  It would be nice for mama to be able to leave the house for more than an hour or two!

We still are struggling with really short naps which makes for long days.  Sometimes I can get her back to sleep and sometimes I can't but she definitely is still tired when she wakes up after 30 or 45 minutes because if she doesn't go back to sleep, she gets fussy within about 30 minutes after waking and the next feeding is usually pretty difficult.  We are lucky that she is doing so well at night.  The past several nights she's been going to bed around 8:30 and waking at 6 AM which is a little earlier than I'd like but its nice that she makes it through the whole night.

I am trying to do a couple naps a day in her crib so she gets used to it and she is doing okay but I'm scared to try at night since she does so well in the Rock and Play.  I know we have to do it sometime though and I am just hoping that she sleeps as well at night in the crib as she does the Rock and Play. I wish they made a toddler version so I could keep her in it forever and not make the transition! I elevated the head of her crib to help with her reflux but the RNP still seems so much cozier and snugglier (not sure if thats a word).  I figure we will try it on a weekend here in the next couple weeks when Harrison can help get her back to sleep if she does wake a lot.

At her follow up for the GI clinic, she had gained 11 ounces in 2 weeks which they were very happy with.  They are letting us continue with what we are doing and we don't have to go back for 2 months!  At her 4 month check up, they were also pleased with her gaining. Even though she is still low on the growth chart, she is maintaining her statistics and no longer falling on the growth chart like she had been doing for the last couple months.  While they aren't overly concerned, they do think her tone muscle strength is a little less than what it should be because of everything that she went through.  For basically the month of December and even the first or second week of January, it was just survival mode.  We were basically just trying to get her to eat enough to stay hydrated.  Playing, tummy time, and working on developmental milestones was very hard because she was in so much pain, miserable, fussy, and had very little energy because of her struggle to eat.  So it isn't a surprise to any of us that she is a tad behind.  The pediatrician said she wouldn't even consider it a "delay."  We are working really hard on tummy time and developmental stuff at home but she thought it would be good just to be proactive and go ahead and make a referral for a few sessions of Physical Therapy. I am glad we are going to be proactive and go ahead and get her evaluated so that we can learn more exercises to work on with her at home.  Even just in the last few weeks working with her at home with the skills and exercises I know from being a nurse, I have noticed an improvement so I think she will be able to catch up.

I am so glad that the worst of her issues seem to be behind us and she is starting to thrive!  Hoping we  keep seeing more and more improvement and weight gain!

Two Months and a Bump in the Road

Carter is now 10 weeks old.  The past several weeks have been pretty rough and difficult for both of us.  When she was about 7 weeks, right around Thanksgiving, she started getting fussy when she would nurse.  She would cry, arch, and pull away. I thought it was her reflux getting worse.  The behavior gradually got worse.  After about a week of this, we had our scheduled 2 month check up so we of course talked to our Nurse Practitioner (who happens to be a friend of ours) about it and she too thought it sounded like reflux behavior and suggested that we add another reflux medication, Prevacid.  She also suggested I give up dairy for 2 weeks to see if that helped her symptoms, thinking it could be a milk allergy or intolerance.  Well that night, and for about the next 48 hours, things were awful.  She was refusing to nurse all together and would scream when I even attempted to feed her.  I was just as distraught  as she was.  The only way I could get her to eat was putting the bottle in her mouth when she was asleep or trying to nurse when she was asleep.  By the second day, I frantically called our pediatrician and demanded an appointment.  It had only been 48 hours since her 2 month check up but she was a totally different baby. She was extremely lethargic and I could tell was starting to get dehydrated. When they weighed her, she had lost 2 ounces since our appointment.  When I saw that on the scale, I lost it.  I tearfully explained everything that had transpired since 2 days earlier.  At that point, the nurse practitioner really thought that it was severe reflux and that her throat and esophagus were raw and inflammed.  She added another medicine to help soothe and coat her throat and made a referral to the pediatric GI specialist.   She also wanted to get an ultrasound to rule out something called Pyloric Stenosis, which would require surgery.  We had the ultrasound that afternoon and it was negative fortunately.  This past Monday we saw the GI doctor.  She had not gained any weight since the appointment on Wednesday the previous week which was concerning.  Their thinking also was reflux and possibly a milk allergy.  They recommended doing 2 days of hypoallergenic formula to see how she did and give my milk time to clear the milk proteins.  Apparently even though I thought I had been "dairy free" for a week, I had been consuming a couple things with dairy in them unknowingly....like my "non dairy" coffee creamer which still contained a milk protein called Casein in it. Who knew?  They also recommended I give up soy as well since a lot of babies with milk allergies or intolerances also have a problem with soy.  So as of Monday, I am off all dairy and soy.  I am reading all labels and double checking everything I put in my mouth.  We went back for a follow up on Wednesday and she had gained 3 ounces!  Thank the Lord.  I was thrilled.  As of Wednesday afternoon, we are nursing again but also supplementing with some formula.  Nursing is getting better ever so slowly.  She doesn't seem to be fighting it as much and doesn't seem as miserable after she eats.  I am hoping and praying that we are over the hump and that things will continue to get better.

I realized the past few weeks how easy of a baby Carter was the first 7 weeks.  She ate great, slept great and was generally very happy and content unless she was hungry or tired.  I hope that with these changes of medications and my dietary changes that my sweet girl will feel more like herself again.  This parenting stuff is hard, y'all.  When she would not eat and was so pitiful and lethargic, I have never felt more helpless in my life and it was an absolutely horrible feeling.  I must have cried just as much as she did and I would have given anything to take away her pain and discomfort.  I am so blessed to have so much support from Harrison and my family.  I don't know how people do this alone.

Starting to give tiny, purposeful smiles! 

Before her "Sip and See," wearing a smocked dress her grandmother made her and her first time wearing shoes! 

Carter's first Thanksgiving!

Another thing we are struggling with are naps.  We are very fortunate that she does great at night and has started sleeping through the night some or just waking up once around 3-4 AM to eat.  I feed her around 7 or so and she goes to bed right after and then I wake her up (or sometimes she wakes on her own) around 9:30 or 10 to eat and then goes right back down.  Naps on the other hand are a different story.  We have not sleep trained her yet. I tried around 6 weeks and I just don't think she was ready (or maybe I wasn't).  Then about a week later, all the reflux stuff started so there has just been too much going on.  We are still swaddling, rocking, and patting (girl likes a firm butt pat!) to go to sleep.  Once asleep, we put her in the rock and play and she sleeps 20-30 minutes but then wakes up.  She doesn't wake up crying or anything.  I've heard of the "45 minute intruder" where in a baby's sleep cycle, they arouse after about 45 minutes.  I let her lay in her rock and play without going in, but she never falls back asleep.  After about 20 minutes, she will start to fuss.  By this time, its usually pretty close to time for her to eat again.  We try to stick to the Baby Wise routine of eat, play, sleep but its hard when after she's eaten, she's usually been awake for close to 2 hours and falls asleep eating.  I'm just not sure what to do.  I don't know if she's just needing to be sleep trained so that she will learn to soothe herself back to sleep once she wakes up in the middle of a nap or what.  Any advice from moms out there?  When did you sleep train and how did you do it?  Did you let them cry it out?

Stats:  Weight- 9 lbs 8 oz on 12/8 (20th percentile), then lost 2 oz on 12/10.  Was 9lb 9oz on 12/17.
           Height- 22.1 inches (50th percentile)
           Head Circumference- 39 cm (60th percentile)

Likes:  Still likes all types of motion. We discovered in doing bottles that she likes white noise, mostly the sound of running water when she eats.  And yes, we have tried all kinds of apps. We even recorded the sound of the facet on my phone but girl knows the difference and prefers the real thing!

Dislikes:  Sadly our biggest dislike right now is eating, nursing or bottle. I wish at least one way was easy.  If she would take a bottle easily without a fight I would probably just go that route and give up breastfeeding.  Right now, both forms are a pretty frustrating, stressful and hard 30-45 minutes.  What's harder is that I'm the only one that can do it.  She hasn't taken a bottle from Harrison or my mom...just me. Its exhausting.  Its heartbreaking knowing that her most basic and essential need right now is causing her pain, discomfort, and making life pretty hard.  I can only hope and pray that this is just a phase and that it will get easier with some time.

Friends, please be praying for us that things start to get better and that we can get all this stuff with eating figured out.

One Month Old!

* I wrote this post last week but but hadn't proof read it yet when Carter wanted to eat and I just realized I never posted it. I'll blame it on new mommy brain!

    Pardon my blogging absence the last month....I've been a little busy!  I can not believe she is a month old already.  The last month I really have tried to savor every moment with my daughter.  It is still very surreal to look at her and know she is here and she is ours.  I still have moments every few days where I just stare at her and my love for her completely overwhelms me and I start crying.  She is such a blessing and life has never been sweeter.

     The past month has been so wonderful and full of love.  Don't get me wrong, there have been hard moments when my patience has worn thin or being overly tired has gotten the best of me, but overall, it truly has been amazing.  Carter is really a great baby.

      The first couple weeks were mostly dedicated to my recovery and getting to know our sweet girl.  She got down to 6 lbs 10 oz when we were discharged from the hospital which was an 11% loss from her birth weight so we had weight checks a couple times a week to make sure she was gaining weight adequately.  I nursed every 2-3 hours the first few weeks and once we both got the hang of nursing, she started putting on weight like a champ and has been consistently gaining an ounce a day every since.  Her most recent weight as of Monday the 3rd was 8 lbs 4 oz.  We are now nursing every 2-3 hours during the day but letting her sleep and feed on demand at night.  I usually feed her around 10 or 10:30 and she'll sleep usually about 5 hours so I am getting some good stretches of sleep myself which has been great. 

     Carter has been refluxing so we went to the doctor and are now on a low dose reflux medication.  It will take about 2 weeks to see if it works or if we need to go up on the dose.  Now for what you really want to see...pictures! 

Being this cute is exhausting!

Stats: Weight 8 lbs 4 oz (25 %) Height 21.4 inches (75%) Head Circumference 36.5 cm (50%)

Likes: Motion! Good grief this girl loves to move.  Anything with movement she is a big fan of...swing, Mamaroo, car, Harrison or I walking around with her, etc.  If it moves, she loves it.  

Paci:  She didn't start really loving the paci till about a week ago.  Its not a must for her to fall asleep or for her to be content, but when she's fussy either from reflux or being tired, she really likes it.  We are using the Soothie brand, wubbanub, or we just discovered she likes the same brand my niece uses which are Born Free.  

Eating: Obviously by her ounce a day weight gain.  Like I said, after the first week or so, we both got the hang of it and now its going great.  

Being Swaddled- calms her down and definitely keeps her asleep for long stretches at night!  

Cuddles and snuggles- Loves to be held! I may or may not be completely spoiling her but I'm sorry, there is nothing better than cuddling with her and having her nuzzle her head into my neck and fall asleep on my chest.  I have waited 3 years to hold her and love on her and I am savoring every moment.  

Music/white noise- she likes being sung to or being shhh'd to when she is fussy or falling asleep.  

Dislikes:  Reflux- poor girl.  You can tell it hurts her.  She is fussy after eating and is spitting up some after she eats.  She will be completely calm, then get really upset and you can hear and see her refluxing. I really hope the medication will help soon! 

Reflux Medication- Its a catch 22.  Seriously, does it have to taste like that?  Even with some "flavoring" which I requested they add, its still pretty gross.  I don't know why they can't make all liquid medication taste like the pink bubblegum Amoxicillin.  

When the movement stops- Example: Why must I stop the motion of the car at red lights?  

Life is pretty great y'all.  My only issue I've been having has been with my neck.  Nursing is really tough on my neck. Constantly looking down is painful.  My range of motion from my 2 cervical fusions and all the hardware has always been limited and has always been more limited looking down.  I am getting by with ibuprofen a couple times a day so far but it hurts, I'm not gonna lie.  This is another area where I have tried not to put expectations on myself.  I want to nurse for as long as possible for her benefit of course, but realistically, I don't know physically how long I will be able to. I know as she gets bigger and weighs more, I will have more pain as I care for her.  If/when I start having to take pain medicine again regularly, I will have to wean her to formula.  I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.  I am going to call Vanderbilt Pain Clinic and hopefully be able to have a radio-frequency ablation on my right side (the worst side) sometime soon.  Hopefully that will help extend the amount of time I can nurse and decrease the amount of pain I am having.  

Other than that, everything is going really well.  We are so blessed. It may sound cliche, but motherhood is truly better than I ever expected.  Its amazing to me to look at her ultrasound pictures that still hang on the fridge or her little embryo picture and then look at her beautiful face as she is cradled in my arms and know where she came from and how hard we worked to have her here. My heart is so full and I'm so incredibly happy.  We certainly have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving! 

Till next time...

Carter Elizabeth

     Harrison and I are thrilled to announce the birth of our beautiful daughter Carter Elizabeth!  She was born Tuesday, October 7 at 2:25 pm and weighed 7 lbs 7.2 oz (EXACTLY what her growth ultrasound predicted on Monday!) and was 20 inches long.  She is perfect.

     About 12 hours after I posted on the blog last Monday, I went into labor on my own.  After my appointment on Monday, I was having some contractions that were a little stronger than what was typical for me and my low back was hurting.  One of very best friends (whom I shared a due date with!) had her baby girl the previous Thursday so we went over to their house to meet her and have dinner with them Monday night.  We got home Monday night and went to bed.  I woke up around 4 AM to go to the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep, so I turned on the TV.  Around 5:30 I was getting pretty drowsy so I rolled over in bed and felt a pop...my water breaking! It was definitely a strange sensation but not a big gush of water like you see in movies.  I went to the bathroom and verified that it was indeed my water breaking.  I woke up Harrison and called the on call doctor.  She said to head on in to the hospital but that it didn't sound like we needed to be in a huge rush as my contractions were about 10 minutes apart.  I took a quick shower, we finished packing up, said goodbye to the dog and life as just the two of us and headed to the hospital.  By the time we arrived to the hospital about an hour after my water had broken, my contractions were about 4 minutes apart, and man, did they hurt.  Since we got to the hospital right around 6:30, there were 2 other pregnant women checking in for scheduled deliveries. They were nice enough to let me check in first since it was clear that I was in active labor!

     I was triaged and checked and was 4.5 cm dilated.  They got me in a room and I immediately asked for my epidural which I got around 8 AM.  (P.S.  Epidurals are completely amazing and I am convinced are a gift from God! Any woman that can do labor naturally is my hero!)  After my epidural, they checked me and I was 8cm!  By 10 AM I was completely dilated.  It was a crazy day on the Labor and Delivery floor.  There were 2 c-sections my doctor needed to do and  2 other women in labor and delivering when I was! Because of the craziness and since they knew I wanted to limit the amount of pushing, they let me "labor down" for a few hours.  Basically it was letting my body and contractions to push her lower. I had my epidural so I was completely comfortable. Till about 1pm, they let me labor down and we hung out in the room with my family.

    Around 1pm, the doctor was finally available, so they got everything all set up and ready for her big arrival.  (Crazy side note: My in laws were on their way from Nashville so my mom was texting with my mother in law and giving her updates.  My mom mentioned the doctor's name, who was another doctor in the practice on the non high risk side, but not my usual doctor.  It turns out, the doctor that was about to deliver my daughter was the same doctor that delivered my husband 30 years ago!!) I officially started pushing at 1:50pm and at 2:25pm, our sweet daughter was born!  I can't even explain the flood of emotions I had when I saw her come out and heard her cry.  Harrison and I both immediately broke down in sobs. I felt incredible joy, love, and thankfulness but also relief and the overwhelming sense of "finally!"  It was the culmination of emotions of 3 years of infertility and failures and finally overcoming all the hurdles. We waited so long and worked so hard for that moment. It was a moment that is impossible to adequately put into words.

     When my water broke, their was a slight hint of meconium (aka baby's poop) so they immediately took her to the warmer to suction her really well and assess her.  She was crying and doing well but because of the possibility of meconium aspiration, Harrison was only able to hold her for a minute. I was able to give her a few kisses, but then they took her to the nursery to be hooked up to an oxygen monitor for a little while to make sure her breathing and oxygen status were ok.

A couple hours later, we were reunited with our daughter.  Introducing Carter Elizabeth...

Meeting her Great Grandmother and Namesake, Harrison's grandmother Carter

     We were discharged Friday afternoon and began our life as a family of 3! 

Going home with our girl! 

The past week has been wonderful.  We are soaking up every moment with our sweet girl.   Harrison was able to take a full week off work so he went back yesterday for his first full day.  I've had some help during the day from my mom and mother-in-law which we are so thankful and grateful for.  We are tired but are getting some sleep between feedings.  Carter so far is a great baby and I am loving motherhood.  It still feels very surreal that she is here and in my arms, but I am so happy I sometimes just look at her and start crying.

Her newborn photo shoot. 4 days old

8 days old

     I know I say this at the end of pretty much every post but I can't thank each of you enough for all the love, support and prayers over the past 9 months of pregnancy, 3 years of infertility, or 5 years of my health issues.  We wouldn't be where we are without you.  Your prayers were heard and answered in the most amazing, incredible ways.

Bump Update: 38 and 39 Weeks and the Final Countdown!!

Well, I made it! It's October ya'll!  It's baby month! And it looks like I am going to be having this baby sometime this week! I feel like it was just yesterday I was anxiously waiting for the phone to ring to hear the results of our beta test.  When we were told it was positive and I talked to the Nurse Practitioner from our IVF clinic, I remember her specifically saying that our due date was October 9.  It seemed so far away.  Now, 9 months later, its finally October and I am less than a week away from my due date.  It's all completely surreal.  

How far along: I am just a few days away from my due date...39 weeks, 4 days

Trimester: Third

Gender: Can't wait to hold my little girl!

Size of baby:  In fruit and vegetable terms, she is the size of a mini-watermelon.  In actual size, she is probably around 7- 7.5 pounds if her growth has continued on the same growth curve she has been on.  Went for my growth ultrasound this morning and she measured 7 lbs 7 oz (40th percentile) so she is a really good size...not too big but not too little!

Sleep:  Still not great and there is at least one point during the night that I can't fall back asleep for hours after getting up to go to the bathroom.  I start thinking about what it will be like when/if I go into labor on my own and day dreaming about seeing her face for the first time.

Best Moments: My mom's friends threw me a baby shower this past Sunday which was so special.  We are so blessed to have so many people in our life that love us, support us, and love our baby girl already!

Worst Moment: I don't usually do a worst moment but this week I ended up getting pretty sick with a sinus infection and upper respiratory infection.  I started sneezing a lot at my baby shower on Sunday and thought it was just allergies.  By Monday I was really congested.  I woke up Tuesday morning at 3 AM and felt absolutely awful.  I was coughing a lot and had a low grade fever.  When I would  lay down, my chest was tight and painful and it was hard to breathe.  When I called my OB to ask what medications I could take, they really wanted me to be seen by my primary care doctor.  So I went and got checked out and was put on an antibiotic and inhaler.  I feel better but am still coughing and have some congestion.  I am hoping that over the next few days it will start to clear up and I will be completely well by the time I have this baby! It is definitely no fun being sick and super pregnant at the same time!

Miss Anything:  Decent sleep, not having to pee every 30 minutes, and in general just being comfortable.

Symptoms:  Contracting a lot each day.  At my check last week I was 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced so my body is doing something.  After A LOT of thoughtful prayer and consideration, I have decided to try a vaginal delivery.  My doctor and Nurse Practitioner said that doing an induction with me starting out having already made some progress on my own typically makes for a better, smoother induction process.  
As of this morning I am now 3 cm and 90% effaced. Personally I'm not really wanting to go too far past my due date.  We had talked about maybe inducing on Friday if she hadn't made her appearance by then but after my appointment this morning, we've decided to wait it out a little longer.  One of my doctors (the one I saw this morning) had rotator cuff surgery a couple weeks ago so he is still in a big sling contraption and not doing deliveries.  My other doctor will be out of town on Friday so even though I'd have to wait a few more days, I'd rather have one of my doctors there for delivery so I have another appointment next Monday.  If she hasn't come by then, we will induce on Tuesday when I am 40 weeks, 5 days.  My doctor doesn't want me to go past Tuesday or Wednesday since I have gestational diabetes.  He really thinks though with my current status and the progress I am making that I will probably go into labor on my own sometime this week.

My doctor and nurse practitioners have been really great and understanding.  They have promised me that if at any point during labor or delivery, my neck and back are causing me too much pain for me to continue, that they will completely respect my decision and wouldn't deny me the option of a c-section.  Knowing that I'm not locked in and knowing that they understand my fears and concerns made it easier for me to decide to try a vaginal delivery.  I am going in with very little expectations for myself or my body.  I would love it if I can delivery vaginally, but I know that I will be putting my neck and back through a lot of stress and strain that it isn't used to so I really have no idea how much it will be able to tolerate.  With all the damage, hardware, nerve issues, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, muscles spasms, etc., I know that my neck is fragile.  I am just hoping that maybe it can hold up long enough for a successful, and relatively pain free (neck wise) delivery.

Looking forward to: Meeting my daughter, seeing her face, and holding her for the first time!

Please be praying for us in these final days and that whenever and however she decides to make her debut, it will be a safe a relatively smooth process! Thanks for your support!

Bump update: 35-37 Weeks and Delivery options

So I sat down to write the bump update for this week thinking I had already done posts for the last 2 weeks but apparently I never did!  Things have been pretty busy these last few weeks with final preparations to get ready for our girl.

You know those women who say how much they love being pregnant and could be pregnant forever because they feel so great...yeah, I'm not one of them.  Physically, I've hit a wall.    The last month of pregnancy is hard y'all.  I'm tired, having a lot of back pain, and overall, just really uncomfortable.  But I've also never been so happy and felt so blessed, so as much as I want to moan and groan, I can't complain because I know all my aches, pains, and exhaustion are so worth it.

How far along: Today starts week 38.

Trimester: Third...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Gender:  Can't wait to meet our little GIRL! 

Size of baby:  At our 36 week growth ultrasound, she measured exactly 6 pounds which is perfectly average (45th percentile).  

Sleep:  While I don't want to complain, this is one area I am struggling.  I am exhausted.  Sleep is pretty lousy.  It takes me a couple hours to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, then when I do fall asleep, it doesn't last long because I wake up to go to the bathroom and then the process starts all over.  The hours between 3 AM- 6 AM are usually especially difficult.  Its frustrating being exhausted but not being able to sleep.  I guess I'm just getting prepared to have a newborn! 

Best Moments:  Finishing the nursery!  My mom painted the custom closet shelving that my awesome husband built in the double closets and I bought some storage baskets so I was finally able to get things organized like I wanted to.  Little things like having diapers on the changing table and a sheet on the crib make it feel very real.  We do still have to hang a couple pictures but everything else is finally done! 

Miss Anything: Being comfortable and being able to move about and do things without feeling like I'm in an olympic event!  Funny story about my week 36 picture...Its hard to tell but I am wearing boots. We were about to go out to eat with some friends and I was ready to break out the fall boots for the first time.  Well being pregnant in the warm, summer months, I've just slipped my feet into flip flops and sandals all summer.  I went to put on socks and realized after performing some contortionist moves and quickly getting out of breath that this was not an easy task or a possibility.  I had to get Harrison to put my socks on my feet.  He thought it was hilarious.  

Symptoms:  I had an appointment on Monday for my scheduled Non Stress Test.  I wasn't scheduled to see the doctor or anything because I had another appointment for and office visit, NST, and fluid check that was supposed to be today.  During the non stress test, I am hooked up to a monitor to track her heart rate and a contraction monitor.  They like to see her heart rate be "reactive"...meaning it will be variable and increase with her movements.  About 15 minutes in, her heart rate was just staying put around 130 and she wasn't moving much so they tried to use a little buzzer to wake up her up.  Well apparently she's like her mama and doesn't like to be woken up so she wouldn't cooperate.  Because of the non-reactive result, they wanted to take a peak at her on ultrasound.  I also was having contractions through the non stress test so that bought me a doctor's visit to be checked for my progress.  Long story short, she looked great and active on ultrasound.  They even saw hair!  When the doctor checked me, I am thin and dilated to 1 cm.  So my body is trying to do something apparently!  

Looking forward to:  My second baby shower thrown by my mother's friends is on Sunday and of course, the day when our girl decides to make her debut!

Speaking of her debut, I am really conflicted about how she will make her debut.  While there is no obstetrical reason for me to have a schedule c-section, it has been something I've been thinking and praying about for months because of my neck and back.  I, as well as Harrison, my family, and my pain doctor, are all pretty concerned about the delivery and the possibility of pushing for a long time. Because of my surgeries and hardware, I physically would probably not be able to push for much more than an hour.  If I had to push for 2 or 3 hours, I would be in agony and could even cause more damage to my neck.  I am planning on getting an epidural for sure, but pain wise for my neck and upper back, we've talked to an anesthesiologist and unfortunately there isn't anything they could give me during labor and delivery for my neck pain.  He actually suggested a c-section and my pain doctor thinks that would probably be better as well.  My OB understands my concerns and has agreed to do a scheduled c-section if thats what we want to do.  There really is no way to know how long my labor and delivery would be obviously, but from most people I've talked to, it seems that induction deliveries are harder on your body and you tend to push longer.  So as of right now, I think the plan is to set a c-section date for maybe Monday, October 6 ( I would be 39 weeks 4 days).  If I go into labor on my own before then, I will probably try a vaginal birth and just pray that it is quick and that I can physically handle pushing.  This is a really hard decision and predicament to be in.  I want to do whats best for her obviously, but I am also terrified of doing damage to my neck that would cause me more pain short and long term.  I have worked so, so hard to make the progress I have with my pain and to get to the quality of life I have now.  Thinking of starting off my role as a mom being in extreme pain, back on a lot of medication, etc., is a heartbreaking thought.  Please, please be praying for us (myself, Harrison, our daughter, and my family) as we make the final decision and for the delivery, no matter what method it ends up being.

As always, thank you for your support!

What a Difference a Year Makes...

One year.  365 days.  It some aspects it seems like a long time, but it many other aspects, it feels like it was just yesterday.  This time of year, and this week in particular brings up a lot of emotions for me.   For those that know me, you know that on September 13 of last year, my sister had her first child, a little girl, Ingrid.  This was such an exciting, special day for our family.  I have a beautiful step-niece whom I love and adore who is almost 8 and has been in our lives since she was 2, but Ingrid was our family's first baby.  I must have taken over 400 pictures that day at the hospital.  I was enamored by her beauty and I immediately fell in love with her.  But as happy as I was, my heart was also breaking.

In August, after the failure of our 9th fertility assisted cycle and our 6th IUI, we decided that before moving onto IVF we wanted to do another laproscopic surgery and hysteroscopy to check to see if there was any obvious reason that things weren't working.  It had been 3 years since my last laproscopy, which found a significant amount of scar tissue, adhesions, and cervical stenosis.  We were hoping to find something that would possibly explain our infertility and that could have been an easy fix, but we were told by my doctor that unless he saw something that really blew him away, his recommendation would be to pursue IVF in Nashville.

The morning of September 16, 2013, I was being prepped for surgery on the first floor of the hospital while 2 floors above me, my sister was being discharged and taking her newborn baby girl home.  It was a crazy day for my family as my mom and dad were literally riding the elevators between the floors switching off roles and trying to be there for both of us.  I awoke in recovery and looked at Harrison and I knew the results.  My doctor came to talk to us and said while he did find some endometriosis and scar tissue, overall he was not "impressed" and did not think it was enough to warrant trying anything else.

The next few days were some of the lowest I had during our whole journey.  I was devastated.  During all the other treatments, I did not allow myself to grieve each negative result.  I just kept going and kept cycling.  I finally did grieve some after our December cycle when I had my gallbladder fiasco and we took a 6 month break, but I still don't think that I fully let myself feel everything I needed to feel because I would always just focus on our next attempt and counting the days on the calendar.  I just never thought we would need IVF.  The thought of IVF was terrifying to me at this point.  It seemed so huge, daunting, and the end all be all.  I guess knowing it was the final option was what made it so terrifying for me.  Physically, emotionally, and financially it just seemed so extreme. When we were first on clomid,  I knew there was always the option of IUI.  When we started IUIs, there was always the option of injectables. On injectables and IUI, there was always the thought that "well, if this doesn't work, we always have IVF."  Now, here I was, staring down our final option.

The day after my surgery was my mom's birthday. She was staying with my sister since she had had a c-section, so we all went over there for dinner.  I watched my sister and brother in law with their newborn daughter as well as my parents and I saw their joy and love for this new, tiny little person, and I was completely broken.  I remember sitting around the dinner table that night trying so hard to hold it all together telling everyone I was "fine." Of course, no one bought it and after a lot of encouragement to talk about what I was feeling, I broke down.  I remember specifically saying that maybe I just needed to come to terms with the fact that children may not be our future and that I may never get to experience what my sister currently was.  My mind was automatically taking me to the darkest of places.  I started to tell myself that IVF wasn't going to be an option because I thought the doctors would look at my medical history and pain issues and tell us they wouldn't do it. I argued that we couldn't adopt for the same reason.  In those days and weeks before our IVF consultation, I honestly was preparing myself to come to terms with idea of a life without children.  I cried and grieved more during these weeks that I had in the previous 2 1/2 years.

One year later...I am just a few short weeks away from meeting our daughter, our miracle.  I still can't believe it.  Nine months later and I am still completely blown away by the success of our first IVF cycle: 11 embryos, 1 transferred, 10 frozen.  Our beautiful transferred embryo implanted and has grown the last 37 weeks into the currently six pound baby girl that is kicking me in the ribs, pressing on my bladder, keeping me awake at night, and generally just making me quite uncomfortable...but I wouldn't have it any other way.

To those who are still struggling with the heartbreak of infertility,  I write all this to give you hope, to encourage you not to give up on your dream, even if you are feeling that you are at your lowest point and are questioning how much more you can take.  Your miracle could be only a few weeks or months away and it is truly amazing the difference only one year, 365 days, can make.