Last couple weeks

Again, sorry so long since the last post. Its been a rough couple weeks. About 2 weeks ago, i ended up having to go to the ER one night because the pain was so bad and the percocet was not doing anything to ease the pain. They loaded me up with diladid (stronger than morphine) and a few other things and i felt much better. Apparently I have just gotten tolerant to my dosage of percocet. I went back to my primary care doctor that week and she put me on oxycontin. It was a big step but its been a very good drug for me. Oxycontin has such a stigma because of all the people that abuse it but it really is a great drug for chronic pain. They are extended release tablets so i take one every 12 hrs so it keeps my pain better under control. I still have to take the percocet when i have "break through" pain which is usually once a day but there have been days when i havent had to take anything which is a big improvement. Last week was a big week as far as doctors appointments and information. First, i met with a orthopaedic surgeon at vanderbilt. He has a great reputation. He is the head spine surgeon at vanderbilt and does all the surgeries for the spine trauma cases. I got some additional x-rays done and saw his nurse practitioner and then he came in and talked with me, my mom, and harrison. It was great because he addressed all of us, not just me which is so important to address the family as well. From his expert opinion, i DO need surgery. My c4 vertabrae is misaligned from my c5 which is where my fusion is. Because of this, the vertabrae is rubbing against the disk and is misshaping the disc, causing and bone spur, and thus irritating nerves and causing pain. While he said he can not 100% guarantee this is where the pain is coming from and that I would 100% wake up from surgery pain free, he said that he was very confident this was the case and that surgery would cause drastic relief in my pain. Then on wednesday, my mom and I travelled back to Knoxville to meet with the nurse practitioner of my original neurosurgeon. She did a very thorough exam and we went through step by step what all have happened the past 3 months. My doctor was in surgery all day bit she talked to him by phone, and left my x-rays, mri, and ct scans for him to look at along with her notes. He called me the next morning (which i thought was amazing that a doctor especially a surgeon tool the time to call me on my cell phone!) and we talked for about 10 minutes. He said he was also confident that my c4 disk was the pain generator and he wanted me to try traction at physical therapy for a few weeks as a diagnostic tool (a weird contraption you put your head in and the machine pulls on your head and lengthens your spine to take pressure off your disks). He said that if this relieves the pain, even if only temporarily, that would be a good argument to go ahead and fuse the c4 level. So I start physical therapy this week at a new place who has a different approach to PT. They do "manual therapy" so its very hands on. I am going to try this for a few weeks and then decide if I am going to go through with the surgery. Right now, my gut feeling is that I will probably end up having surgery.

So thats the latest news and update from the past few weeks. Harrison has kept busy working. They recently moved offices so that has taken alot of time just to get organized and everything. He is making alot of sales and is still doing very well. Besides having to deal with everything goin on with me, we are loving being married. He takes such good care of me when I am not feeling well. He has been great about cooking dinner on nights I hurt and has even vacuummed when I have asked him too. He has been very supportive and has gone with me to doctors appointment. He remains very involved, loving, caring, and just overall has been a wonderful husband. I am very blessed.

Just keep praying please. I'll have to make alot of decisions the next few weeks.

Just needing to vent...

Preface: A post about how I'm feeling at this moment....mostly venting emotions. Feel free not to read, but read if you like.
I know alot of people dont follow our blog, which is fine, and I mostly just use it as an outlet to write how I'm feeling. On the one hand, I feel incredibly selfish in a way...I know there are other people out there, even people I know, that are going through much more difficult situations than I am. I know I am unbelievably blessed. I have an amazing family, husband, job (that I am dying to get back to), a beautiful home and I want for nothing except to feel better. I've gone through such a rollercoaster of emotions since all this started over 2 months ago. I have gone from feeling like it was just a temporary set back of a couple days, to adjusting to the fact that it may last longer, to feeling very discourgaged, to feeling hopeful of the end in site, to being overjoyed at the wedding, to yurning to get back to work, and now I'm back to feeling very much discouraged. I had an appointment with the pain clinic again, who has been unbelieveable. The doctor there overbooked her schedule on multiple occasions to fit me in to have procedures in order to make me feel as good as possible before the wedding. The past three or four days have been very bad as far as my pain level. I have been in bed pretty much non stop and havent gotten out of the house since saturday except for my doctors appointment this morning. While my doctors appointment today was much better than my appointment a few weeks ago with my neurosurgeon it was still somewhat of a let down. I guess I am wanting so much for a "quick fix." I would love it if a procedure or even surgery would fix the problem. Today, Dr. Jackson said there were other procedures she could do but to keep sticking my like a pin cushion is not her first choice. So once again, I have been passed off an referred to someone else. This time I am being referred to the Center for Ingergrative Health at Vanderbilt. This clinic is a center that treats pain in less conventional ways, accupunture, myofascial release (basically massage that insurance covers), behavioral therapies, relaxation techniques, etc. While I'm not against these forms of treatment, I guess i am just tired of being passed off to someone else. I just want someone to figure out where the pain is coming from, why I've had it for 4 years, and how to fix it. I just want a simple answer and nothing about this whole process has been easy or simple. I'm tired of doctors appointments, I'm tired of being at home in bed, I'm tired of not working, I'm tired of being on the phone with my insurance company, the disability company, and my work trying to explain why i've been gone for almost 10 weeks. I am worried about my job at this point, and I'm worried about my life and my future. I know it seems silly but I worry how I'm going to be able to carry my child around the house once it weighs more than 10 pounds. (no i'm not pregnant, just things I think about). I worry how long I'm going to be able to be in the field I love if it takes this much of a toll on my body. Like the title of the blog says, I just need to vent. I'm feeling very helpless, hopeless, and discouraged. Physically I feel beaten and broken, but emotionally, the whole situation has taken almost as drastic of a toll. I can only pray for relief and for God to heal me, mind, body, and soul. Thanks for reading.

Mr. and Mrs.

Hey everyone....sorry its been so long since my last post. Harrison and I are finally married! The wedding was absolutely wonderful. It was the most perfect day for both of us. I had some pain during the wedding day but I was running off adrenaline so I didnt hardly think about the pain. I want to thank all of those that were a part of it or came to support us. The pictures are done so I'll post some whenever I get the disc. Harrison and I went to the Cayman Islands for a week for our honeymoon. We had a great time. We had perfect weather and I felt good enough a couple of the days to do some activities like Sting Ray City, the Sea Turtle Farm, and some shopping in Georgetown. It was a wonderful week but we were ready to get back to Nashville and setting into our life.
All the procedures I had done before the wedding met my goal of getting through the wedding and the honeymoon but unfortunately the effects have worn off and I'm still having pain. The Tuesday after we got home, I had a doctors appointment with my neurosurgeon. I had never actually seen him, I have just been seeing his Nurse Practitioner, who is very thorough, compassionate, and helpful. The neurosurgeon was the exact opposite. It was a very disappointing appointment. I didnt feel like he cared at all what I had to say. He just said that he didnt think I needed surgery, so he didnt need to see me anymore and he wouldnt extend my disability. I've been back to my primary care physician and we've decided to get a second opinion from and orthopaedic surgeon and a third opinion from my original neurosurgeon in Knoxville. I have an appointment with the pain clinic this week so we'll see what they have to say and what my options are.
I'm feeling pretty discouraged and hate that I'm still not able to work. I miss the babies and all my friends at work and I am really eager to get back to work, but physically I'm just not able to yet. For the few people that read this blog, I just ask for prayers that of all these things I'm doing and all the doctors I'm seeing, we will find something that will work to relieve my pain more permanently than just the narcotics I'm on. Thanks again for all the support!

5 days!

Here we are folks! The week of the wedding. Its not exactly how I thought I would be spending the week of my wedding, but God wont give me anything I can't handle. The past week or so I have been feeling better. I am able to be out of bed, up and around for a couple hours before I start feeling alot of pain and have to lay down and rest. I am still taking pain killers but not as much. The past 2 weeks I got 2 medial branch blocks, followed by radiofrequency (burning of the nerve endings) on the left side. This morning I had the block done on the right side and wednesday morning I will have the radiofrequency done. These procedures are uncomfortable but I am sedated. They had some trouble the first couple procedures getting me sedated enough because I have a high tolerance to the medications since I have been on narcotics for almost 2 months now. I was feeling most everything they did which was not fun. The third procedure and this morning we have figured out what works for me as far as sedation and it has been a much more pleasant experience. Like I said, Wednesday morning at 11 am i will have the radiofrequency done. My mom will come up for that tomorrow and then will drive me to knoxville after the procedure. I would not be able to drive myself, even not having the procedure done wednesday morning because driving is painful for me and takes alot of strength which i dont really have. My prayer requests are that the procedure on wednesday relieves my pain on the right side and that it doesnt make me too sore. Usually, I am very sore for a couple days after the procedure. I know I will be sore on Thursday but I'm hoping it wont be too bad because Thursday is such a busy day. I have a couple girly appointments and we are meeting the the minister. I hope and pray I can make it through all this. Please pray for strength, pain relief, and energy for this whole wedding weekend. On sunday we will leave for the Grand Caymans for our honeymoon. I am worried that I wont be able to do all the fun activities that Harrison has planned for us. I dont want to have to be on lots of pain killers and be in bed alot on our honeymoon. I want to be able to be outside and enjoy all the Caymans has to offer. Please pray for this as well. Thanks again for all the prayers and support recently! They have helped. The next time I post I will be a married woman!!

16 days...

Hey everyone. So its been a little over a week since my last post but lots has happened. Last friday, I saw the pain specialist and it was an extremely productive appointment. She changed and added some medications and scheduled me immediately for some procedures. She knows the ultimate goal is to get my pain as minimal as possible by the wedding. On monday I had my first medial branch block. A medical branch block is like a typical nerve block in the sense you are trying to "block" the nerve impulses but more invasive because of the area they work on. On the front of your vertabrae, you have joints called facet joints. Off of these joints are tiny little nerves called facet nerves or medial branch nerves. On monday and wednesday I had this procedure done on my l eft side. It is done under continous xray while I am mildly sedated. I am place on my stomach, put on a little bit of oxygen and monitors and they insert 4-5 needles with lidocaine and steroid into the medial branch area. The recoveries from these procedures is short but I get very very sore. On Monday I also had14 trigger point injections of botox into the muscles of my neck and shoulders to help with my muscle spasms. The next step is on Monday where I will have radiofrequency done on the left side to essentially burn the end of the nerve fibers. Then we will probably repeat these procedures on my right side. We wil most likely be cutting it very very close to the wedding but we are just trying to make my wedding an honeymoon as enjoyable as possible. If these procedures work, they can last for up to 3-6 months. I have had to apply for short term disability because I have been out of work for so long and have run out of sick time. I have mixed feelings about this but it was the best decision as I deal with all this.
In other news, I have officially moved into the townhouse Harrison and I are going to live in for our first year of marriage. My mom, dad, and harrison moved everything while I was instructed not to lift anything heavier than a pillow and just offer moral support. This was very hard for me to just give up all the control and let them do literally everything. I am so thankful for my wonderful parents. My mom has been in Nashville basically the past 2 or 3 weeks with me for all my doctors appointments and procedures. She's cooked, cleaned (both places), run errands for me, and pretty much been at my beck and call.
We are down to 16 days till the wedding. Its so hard to believe it is so close. The engagement has flown by. I am so ready mentally, but physically i'm not quite there yet. My hope and prayer is that in 16 days I will be close to pain free....even if it only lasts for a couple weeks to get me through the wedding week and honeymoon. I literally havent been pain free or even close to pain free for almost 4 years and the past 6 weeks or so has been mostly miserable. I do feel that I am making progress and I feel blessed to have found a doctor who is so proactive and really understands the sense of urgency and the goal.
Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. I really do feel that the power of prayer has helped, especially emotionally for me to feel more positive, hopeful, and experiencing less worry. Many many thanks. :)

Countdown begins

So we are officially less than a month away from the wedding. I can not believe how quickly our engagement has gone....i just hope the next 4 weeks go by as quickly. I am so ready to be married to the man I love. All the final details are falling into place. I think the wedding and reception are going to be absolutely beautiful and so much fun. My hope and prayer is that I am feeling ok with little pain to deal with.
As far as my neck, not much has changed. I'm still going to PT 2 times a week. Last week I was still having alot of pain and not feeling any relief from the steroid injection so I called my neurosurgeon and after waiting for 3 days for a call back, they finally called and said that as of right now, it doesnt appear that I am a candidate for surgery...(Thats also what I heard 2 years ago, then after my surgery, my neurosurgeon admitted he was wrong). I was only able to work 12 hours last week....an 8 hr shift and a 4 hr shift. This is very discouraging for me. I feel like I am letting down my managers and the baby and family I have been taking care of since January 1.
This week I have an appointment with a doctor at the pain specialty clinic at Vanderbilt, then I will see my neurosurgeon again. I'm interested to see what the pain specialist can offer me in lieu of traditional pain medication. While the medication helps, I can not take it while working and it makes me kinda loopy so I definitely dont want to take it on my wedding day.
Harrison and I are both in the process of moving. Last week Harrison was making small trips to take things over to our townhouse (it took 4 trips just for our gifts!!) and this weekend he painted the master bedroom and upstairs hallway. My mom has been in town packing my stuff, and organizing and unpacking our gifts. I'm going to officially move this weekend and harrison will move the week before the wedding when I am already in Knoxville. It will be nice to come back from the honeymoon and already be moved and unpacked for the most part. I havent been able to help move very much at all because I am not allowed to lift. I mostly point and direct and offer moral support. Again, this is hard for me. Please continue to pray for my neck and for me to let go of control and let people help me. This is a challenge for me because I do not want to burden anyone. My mom and Harrison have both been so amazing, helpful, and supportive. I dont know what I would do without them. I am truly blessed. I will probably always need help lifting and carrying anything that weighs more than about 10 pounds (groceries, heavy laundry, etc) which is hard for me to admit. I asked Harrison if he still wanted to marry me, knowing that he will have to help me with things around the house for the rest of his life, and without hesitation, he said "of course I do." I am a very lucky girl to be marrying such an amazing man.

Updating..

So since my last post, alot has happened. I had an appointment with the neurosurgery group on Thursday April 2. The doctor I was supposed to see was out of town, but I saw the nurse practitioner who was wonderful. She went through all my MRI slides with me and explained there could be several possible reasons for my pain. First, My C4-5 disc (the one above my surgery site) is pretty bad. A normal cervical disc is supposed to look like a long oval. It is supposed to be very white on xray because it is supposed to be filled with fluid. Well, mine is long and flat and gray so I basically have no shock absorption in my neck. Second, my C 4 vertabrae has changed shape because of the change in my disc and I have bone spurs off my c4 vertabrae. The NP said eventually it is most likely I will have to have surgery. Its just a matter of when. The last possible reason for my pain is beause of a partial fusion. Basically, they were worried that my first surgery didnt really "take". That instead of having one solid bone, that i could have areas that did not fuse or grow together. The only way to tell that is from a CT scan. So I scheduled a CT scan. The NP also wanted to start physical therapy and do a round of steroid injections. So I made those appointments as well. She also told me not to work the following week and to basically do nothing to see if we can get this under control. Luckily, my work is very understanding. The following weekend was a very busy weekend. Harrison and I had a couple shower, and our engagement pictures done, we picked out tuxes, i met with the florist, and I had a shower for me. It was a fun weekend but very hard for me since I was in alot of pain. I didn't want to be all drugged up for the parties so i just kinda grinned and bared it. Between everything we did, my mom was addimant about me resting. My mom and I left Knoxville on Monday morning and head back to Nashville and straight to my 1st physical therapy appointment. On Wednesday I had my CT scan and my steroid injection in my neck. On Friday I got a call from the doctors office and the nurse said it "appeared" i had a solid fusion but the doctor is out of town and wont get back until Monday. So I have to wait for an official read. The cervical steroid injection made me sore for a couple days but i still really havent felt much relief. It can take up to 5-7 days to feel relief so I'm hoping it will still help. I really want to try to work some this week but i just have to see how I feel. I'll start going to physical therapy twice a week. I'm just praying something we do helps. Lord knows I just want to feel good when I walk down the aisle in 5 weeks.